unlike most ppl i know, these are 3 most stressful days of the year for me.
for years now i have struggled to explain my dis-interest in celebrating these events to my friends.
The reason i gave myself, for this inability was that its my communication skills both written and verbal which let me down. If its in English then the situation get worse. But of late i have realized that this was not the only reason, i definitely didn't like these days but my thoughts weren't clear(or rather as clear as they are now) as to why.
BIRTH DAY's
To begin with, i find no reason for me to celebrate this day at all. I can recall nothing that i did on that particular day for me to celebrate its arrival. If at all there is someone who needs celebrate it its my parents and more so my mother. She took all the pain on that day and added something to this world. By this i don't mean my mother gave birth to a super hero or something in those lines. I just mean that i would take part in moving the evolution of mankind in my own way and am an addition to this world(positive or negative).
Main reason for stress is to convince my friends about this very opinion of mine. In school, a friend of yours would leak this news in the classroom and without fail class teacher would make you stand by her while the entire class sings you wishes. This would arguably be the most embarrassing moment of the day for me, it gets worse when the song ends and my classmates expect me to distribute chocolates which i never did. I can see the look in their eyes some of them were angry some were sympathetic and some were puzzled.
I am not questioning the intentions of them for wishing me but i could never understand the purpose and so never obliged to those requests.
It's just the way i was raised may be, i never had a big birthday bash and never saw a reason for doing so either. Add to that i was never allowed to carry any money with me, which cancels out the possibility of buying chocolates and may be distributing them( which i seriously doubt knowing very well about the selfish me :)). financial choices were never in my hand, i was left to play with my ideological freedom which i thoroughly enjoyed. only thing that would change on my b'day at home was that my mom would wake me up with a smile and remind(wish) me that i am year older now. of-course i would be exempted from all the stupid tasks like getting coriander leaves for that day.
When i reached college, the stress levels have gone up. It was a social norm to give your friends a party. You will be intimidated for not giving a party on that day and i usually gave in to those intimidation's. I had to collect whatever pocket money i had, then i had to shortlist ppl to be able to manage my expenses without having to lend money from others. This entire process was so stressful and i have never enjoyed it till date.
Then a new trend starts close friends of yours start wishing you at 12 PM in the midnight, this is a sign of your friendship. If you don't get a wish at 12 then he/she is probably not in your close friends list, oh i forgot to mention these are supposed to be surprise calls :). On the other side of it, you have to return back the courtesy by calling at 12 on their bday's. This is a huge expectation for me because i can never remember dates, be it of any prominence and i used to struggle to be awake till 12 in the night. if you don't consequences are not so good, to say the least.
At this age i was reminded the day before in one way or the other that my b'day is coming. But i have to act surprised at 12, that's the golden rule :). I think i was good at this. i think i used to enjoy this bit the most, to act as if i was in deep sleep wake up and smile surprised. Cut the cake, pose for the camera and wash cream off my face and then go to sleep.
Most annoying thing of the day is when i am expected to look different act different and do different things. And this expectation irritates me and i try to act normal ironically this is not my normal style and so i am being diff :).
I am and was actually scared of B'day. It has been a day I have dreaded my whole life. I am very curious to know how this day is so special for you all, also i wish i will be happily normal on one birth day.
VALENTINE'S DAY'S
unlike Bday's this phenomenon comes into your life in college(or at least it came to my knowledge in college). I hardly remember any valentines days before that except when my foolish friend gave a Pink Dairy milk chocolate to my school mate and told me about that story more than 1000 times till date.
It is a day that I reckon single people and couples dread equally. For single people, it underlines the truth that they are not in a relationship and increases their paranoia that everyone else around them is. For couples, it creates so much pressure, as the expectations are simply too high (as they are on New year’s Eve) and neither of them is able to meet them.
I have witnessed both these situations. When i was in a relationship i felt tremendous pressure to make it special, toughest part was to define special. Buying Teddy's, roses, bouquets of flowers, Chocolates, coffee etc etc sound's so boring. I would much rather appreciate a causal evening walk and a goodnight kiss :).
Needless to say that i am single now :). Now i feel the different pressure on that day.
i might sound like a weirdo, but i think its true for most ppl.
I feel awkward meeting up with anyone on the 13th or 14th for fear they would think it was “Valentine’s Day date.”
while i am at it, i will also express my confusions about love and romantic love. I dont know if there is any emotion called romantic love( which supposedly exists between men and women).
Love for me is the same that you have for your parents, friends, pets and watever..... contrary to public opinion i am a loving person, i love everything and anything. In fact i love strangers more than the people i knw very well. Because the more i knw about someone the more deficiencies i see in them. Don't get me wrong i would still care about ppl i knw.
I love strangers and i care for ppl i knw. So this emotion is not confined only between men and women.
I dont think there is any emotion called romantic love at all between men and women. There is friendship with mutual respect and then lust, chemistry, passion and same love that they have for their pets, environment and what not.
Am also curious to know how your valentines day was? good or bad.
NEW YEAR'S EVE
I always want to split my past into years and review them, but i cant. Only differentiator that i have on my time scale is NOW.
Past as memory, present as living and future as opportunity.
I struggle to see a year in isolation, i cannot write wish lists every new year( the list usually is the same every year). I cannot set new goals, may be i am too scared of not being able to achieve them. Then this expectation of doing something different when the clock ticks into the new year.
This is mainly self imposed pressure to be able to answer "what did you do on new years eve?"
Add to this pressure of not being welcomed in the most happening parties on the day because you are single.(any other country in the world this would be your biggest asset on that day but not to be in India)
While these are the reasons i felt stressed over the years on these days, i slowly feel i have gotten over them. I feel i am more at peace and equipped to handle them when they come next, i am more or less out of these cliched rituals. :)
P.S: I have always enjoyed Independence day the most, Parade at red fort, PM and Presidents speech. Cultural activities in the school and in the societies. Celebration of identity and nationality:). May be i havent yet figured out how to not njoy this day. ;)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Christmas 2009!!!!
Unlike my usual way of spending 3day weekends by going to Hyderabad, i decided to go to Bombay for a change. Turned out to be a good decision .
It was Thursday afternoon, My colleague was waiting outside in an auto for me. I was chatting with my boss in London about very important task that i was to take care on Monday. But that was not the reason for me to keep my colleague waiting, i was also chatting with a Russian Julia ;). Oh Yeah she is Hot :). Finally i somehow against my wish ended the conversation and took off to station.
I was supposed to go to Borivali where my friend Bob lives. Buses were packed to full(long weekend) and private travels raised the prices, finally we booked at ticket to Borivali. I looked at my mobile and it was 5:20, buss was scheduled to start at 6:00 and they claimed it to be a non-stop buss, also noticed that my mobile had very little charge.
I switched it off immediately to save watever charge left inorder to call bob wen i reach borivali, atleast that was the plan. As usual travels guy didnt keep his word and buss started at 7:30 from pune. A gruelling journey in a stupid volvo buss has started, i cant stretch my legs because seat infront of me was pushed back and it wont retrea(got conked). Guy sitting behind me was not happy because i pushed my seat back too. Add to this they played "Mere Baap Pehle Aap" movie with full volume , so that you watch it even if you dont want to.
After 3/4th of the journey done, i walked towards the driver asked him how long would it take to reach Borivali, there came the twist. It will never go to Borivali, i need to get down at Dadar and find my own way from there. I kinda anticipated it and so wasnt really surprised(experience in travelling from hyd to pune taught me that, never trust any private travels). Went back to my seat asked my colleague if he had any idea where Borivali was and how i could get there. He had no idea and so i tried to switch ON my mobile to take bob's assistance.
As it usally does i over used my little brain, little charge that was left in it was not enough for my Blackberry(windowsmobile) to boot. Now only phone number i remember is mine, not because i like it. But because i needed it to complete any and every form or application i fill in .
Now i dont know where borivali is, nor do i know bobs phone number. Guess what i left my charger at home(bob has a BB too, thought i would use his). I had to think fast and i thought i can put my sim in my colleagues mobile and get his number. While i was doing it, his destination has come and he had to get down. Turns out that i didnt think fast enough. He got down and wished me luck :).
I asked the guy sitting beside me for his mobile and apparantly his mobile was also dead(which i didnt belive btw). Then i asked the guy beside him, his mobile was CDMA and so its useless for me. Now it gets worst only person left around me was the one sitting behind me, who i pissed off before the journey had begun. But i did ask him and reluctantly he offered to help, he gave his mobile. I told him i need to change the SIM, he took it back and did the SIM change himself and gave it to me. I searched for bob's number and realised that bob's number was stored in mobile and not on SIM(blame it on Blackberry). You should see the look of the guy behind me, he wanted to punch me in the face. Thankfully he didnt.
I got down at Syan, a place that driver suggested would be closer to Borivali. It turns out that he lied again. All i had now was USB cable with wich i can charge my mobile and call bob and find my way through to his place. i looked for Internet cafe and at that late hour none of them were open. I walked into a POSH restraunt and asked for a computer, receptionist politely asked me t o get out, which i did with grace :). While i was looking around for a solution, i saw a fat guy about to close his shop. It was DHL outlet. I ran towards him and asked for help. That i would charge my mobile using their PC for 5 mins, he gave a long thought abt it and said OK.
I knew my mobile wouldnt get charged in less than 30 mins to atleast bootup with a USB cable, specially when its compeltely dead. But i also knew that DHL guy didnt know that. 5 mins was over and we tried booting it up, he was growing restless. I started a conversation, asked him a few questions abt Bombay, DHL and told him a lot about Hyd n Pune. He got friendly now, he was offering solutions. asked me if we can put my sim in his mobile and get the work done. For which i explained the problem. Then slowly i asked him if there is internet to the PC. He said YES but he turned it off as he was about to close the shop. I requested him to reconnect so that i can get bob's number from friends who are online. He agreed and i got online.
I found Soumya on Gtalk, i sent short and clear message that "i need bob's number, URGENT""my mobile is dead". With soumya you wont get answers that easily, you will have to trade answers with answers. She asked me 4 questions before i could even attempt to answer the first. "Did you reach Bombay?" "where are you?""how come you are online?""dont tell me you are in a internet cafe?". Thank god it was not Bindu in her place, it would be even worse :).
she gave the number, DHL guy gave his phone. I called bob and he suggested local train to reach borivali, DHL guy guided me how to go there. He wished me Merry Christmas and i left.
Got into bombay local train and reached dadar where i had to change to Western line and was waiting for a train on platform no 1. I asked a guy infront of me to confirm if i was on the right platform, he concurred and started a conversation asking me 1001 questions. finally train arrived and i got into it tactfully ran away from that chap and took a seat. Travelled for 30mins and reached Borivali(last station). I was standing on the footoverbridge not knowing which way to go, my copassenger saw that doubt in my eyes and asked where i would want to go. I said outside the station, i need to make a call to my friend. He gave me his mobile and said phone booths would be closed by now call him and say you are on east side of the station. Bob wanted me to come on the west side and so i did thanking that copassenger for his help. He picked me from there.
I was begining to think how would an american react when he hears this story
"GPS and a hummer would have solved the problem"
a British
"where there is a will there is way"
a Chinese
"to build a charge that can charge any mobile in 1 min"
a Indian
"Only i could have pulled it off" and that's shameless me :)....hahahaha
It was Thursday afternoon, My colleague was waiting outside in an auto for me. I was chatting with my boss in London about very important task that i was to take care on Monday. But that was not the reason for me to keep my colleague waiting, i was also chatting with a Russian Julia ;). Oh Yeah she is Hot :). Finally i somehow against my wish ended the conversation and took off to station.
I was supposed to go to Borivali where my friend Bob lives. Buses were packed to full(long weekend) and private travels raised the prices, finally we booked at ticket to Borivali. I looked at my mobile and it was 5:20, buss was scheduled to start at 6:00 and they claimed it to be a non-stop buss, also noticed that my mobile had very little charge.
I switched it off immediately to save watever charge left inorder to call bob wen i reach borivali, atleast that was the plan. As usual travels guy didnt keep his word and buss started at 7:30 from pune. A gruelling journey in a stupid volvo buss has started, i cant stretch my legs because seat infront of me was pushed back and it wont retrea(got conked). Guy sitting behind me was not happy because i pushed my seat back too. Add to this they played "Mere Baap Pehle Aap" movie with full volume , so that you watch it even if you dont want to.
After 3/4th of the journey done, i walked towards the driver asked him how long would it take to reach Borivali, there came the twist. It will never go to Borivali, i need to get down at Dadar and find my own way from there. I kinda anticipated it and so wasnt really surprised(experience in travelling from hyd to pune taught me that, never trust any private travels). Went back to my seat asked my colleague if he had any idea where Borivali was and how i could get there. He had no idea and so i tried to switch ON my mobile to take bob's assistance.
As it usally does i over used my little brain, little charge that was left in it was not enough for my Blackberry(windowsmobile) to boot. Now only phone number i remember is mine, not because i like it. But because i needed it to complete any and every form or application i fill in .
Now i dont know where borivali is, nor do i know bobs phone number. Guess what i left my charger at home(bob has a BB too, thought i would use his). I had to think fast and i thought i can put my sim in my colleagues mobile and get his number. While i was doing it, his destination has come and he had to get down. Turns out that i didnt think fast enough. He got down and wished me luck :).
I asked the guy sitting beside me for his mobile and apparantly his mobile was also dead(which i didnt belive btw). Then i asked the guy beside him, his mobile was CDMA and so its useless for me. Now it gets worst only person left around me was the one sitting behind me, who i pissed off before the journey had begun. But i did ask him and reluctantly he offered to help, he gave his mobile. I told him i need to change the SIM, he took it back and did the SIM change himself and gave it to me. I searched for bob's number and realised that bob's number was stored in mobile and not on SIM(blame it on Blackberry). You should see the look of the guy behind me, he wanted to punch me in the face. Thankfully he didnt.
I got down at Syan, a place that driver suggested would be closer to Borivali. It turns out that he lied again. All i had now was USB cable with wich i can charge my mobile and call bob and find my way through to his place. i looked for Internet cafe and at that late hour none of them were open. I walked into a POSH restraunt and asked for a computer, receptionist politely asked me t o get out, which i did with grace :). While i was looking around for a solution, i saw a fat guy about to close his shop. It was DHL outlet. I ran towards him and asked for help. That i would charge my mobile using their PC for 5 mins, he gave a long thought abt it and said OK.
I knew my mobile wouldnt get charged in less than 30 mins to atleast bootup with a USB cable, specially when its compeltely dead. But i also knew that DHL guy didnt know that. 5 mins was over and we tried booting it up, he was growing restless. I started a conversation, asked him a few questions abt Bombay, DHL and told him a lot about Hyd n Pune. He got friendly now, he was offering solutions. asked me if we can put my sim in his mobile and get the work done. For which i explained the problem. Then slowly i asked him if there is internet to the PC. He said YES but he turned it off as he was about to close the shop. I requested him to reconnect so that i can get bob's number from friends who are online. He agreed and i got online.
I found Soumya on Gtalk, i sent short and clear message that "i need bob's number, URGENT""my mobile is dead". With soumya you wont get answers that easily, you will have to trade answers with answers. She asked me 4 questions before i could even attempt to answer the first. "Did you reach Bombay?" "where are you?""how come you are online?""dont tell me you are in a internet cafe?". Thank god it was not Bindu in her place, it would be even worse :).
she gave the number, DHL guy gave his phone. I called bob and he suggested local train to reach borivali, DHL guy guided me how to go there. He wished me Merry Christmas and i left.
Got into bombay local train and reached dadar where i had to change to Western line and was waiting for a train on platform no 1. I asked a guy infront of me to confirm if i was on the right platform, he concurred and started a conversation asking me 1001 questions. finally train arrived and i got into it tactfully ran away from that chap and took a seat. Travelled for 30mins and reached Borivali(last station). I was standing on the footoverbridge not knowing which way to go, my copassenger saw that doubt in my eyes and asked where i would want to go. I said outside the station, i need to make a call to my friend. He gave me his mobile and said phone booths would be closed by now call him and say you are on east side of the station. Bob wanted me to come on the west side and so i did thanking that copassenger for his help. He picked me from there.
I was begining to think how would an american react when he hears this story
"GPS and a hummer would have solved the problem"
a British
"where there is a will there is way"
a Chinese
"to build a charge that can charge any mobile in 1 min"
a Indian
"Only i could have pulled it off" and that's shameless me :)....hahahaha
Sunday, March 9, 2008
It never ENDS...............
Don't freak out seeing this title :).....................
Question is why do we fight?
Is it just because we are born to fight............................
We kill each other for every damn reason that exists in this world..........we kill for religion.........we kill for caste..........we kill for pride.............we kill for disgust.........we killllllllllllllllllllll
I looked at our history in search of some answers and of the little i know about history of mankind i see nothing that we could be proud of..............
We have always been the same.........we are our own enemy.....
We, from ages have been killing each other, be it the Trojan war to the latest war in Afghanistan...........we have drawn our own borders called kingdoms in the past and countries now.............they fought wars to conquer others.........and we do the same.
Its still the same.......the way we do it now may look different but believe you me we still do the same thing..............Osama Bin laden's ....George W bush are just symbols for it we are their strength............we are the people who try to put as much difference as possible between us and what happens in the real word...........they bank on our apathy............they bank on our willful ignorance............they plan strategies around it and we just play it into their hands........almost 90% of Democratic countries spend more than 50% of their wealth in Army hoping to protect themselves.................Who are we trying to protect ourselves from..........people cannot cross borders without permissions where is freedom............
We justify ourselves by saying "Blame me for it all..........blame me because i might just live the good life.......because i can..... because i am smart enough to........"
we just try to run away from it
We call for democracy, we crave for freedom and still we remain slaves.......slaves of our own wills and greeds.
World is still ruled by power..........politics remain the same.........World wars have come and gone..........we then start preparing for the next...........there is nothing that says its gonna change...........
What is that we need?
What has changed over the years...........WAR is still on and it never ENDS..............
Why do i write all this shit simply because i am always scared with voices in my head that keeps asking me awful questions like should i be doing more with my life.........am i making the most of my time in this planet.......i think all of us ask those type of questions and a lot of us are afraid of those answers.
All i am saying is that i am adult now and the tough thing about adulthood is it starts even before you know it starts...when you are already a dozen decisions into it..........what i need to know now is...............no life guard is watching me anymore.........i am on my own.............and the decisions i make now are years and years alone from here untill the end.
All i worte here is taken from conversations between a man in his adulthood called Todd and a professor called Doc.
Amazing thing about this is that i know the questions in that conversation even before they are asked and i know the answers even before they are said...............I have been there and iam still there..........i ask those questions and i ask them again and again.................in hope of answering them well some day.......
Signing off
Montoyaa
Question is why do we fight?
Is it just because we are born to fight............................
We kill each other for every damn reason that exists in this world..........we kill for religion.........we kill for caste..........we kill for pride.............we kill for disgust.........we killllllllllllllllllllll
I looked at our history in search of some answers and of the little i know about history of mankind i see nothing that we could be proud of..............
We have always been the same.........we are our own enemy.....
We, from ages have been killing each other, be it the Trojan war to the latest war in Afghanistan...........we have drawn our own borders called kingdoms in the past and countries now.............they fought wars to conquer others.........and we do the same.
Its still the same.......the way we do it now may look different but believe you me we still do the same thing..............Osama Bin laden's ....George W bush are just symbols for it we are their strength............we are the people who try to put as much difference as possible between us and what happens in the real word...........they bank on our apathy............they bank on our willful ignorance............they plan strategies around it and we just play it into their hands........almost 90% of Democratic countries spend more than 50% of their wealth in Army hoping to protect themselves.................Who are we trying to protect ourselves from..........people cannot cross borders without permissions where is freedom............
We justify ourselves by saying "Blame me for it all..........blame me because i might just live the good life.......because i can..... because i am smart enough to........"
we just try to run away from it
We call for democracy, we crave for freedom and still we remain slaves.......slaves of our own wills and greeds.
World is still ruled by power..........politics remain the same.........World wars have come and gone..........we then start preparing for the next...........there is nothing that says its gonna change...........
What is that we need?
What has changed over the years...........WAR is still on and it never ENDS..............
Why do i write all this shit simply because i am always scared with voices in my head that keeps asking me awful questions like should i be doing more with my life.........am i making the most of my time in this planet.......i think all of us ask those type of questions and a lot of us are afraid of those answers.
All i am saying is that i am adult now and the tough thing about adulthood is it starts even before you know it starts...when you are already a dozen decisions into it..........what i need to know now is...............no life guard is watching me anymore.........i am on my own.............and the decisions i make now are years and years alone from here untill the end.
All i worte here is taken from conversations between a man in his adulthood called Todd and a professor called Doc.
Amazing thing about this is that i know the questions in that conversation even before they are asked and i know the answers even before they are said...............I have been there and iam still there..........i ask those questions and i ask them again and again.................in hope of answering them well some day.......
Signing off
Montoyaa
Monday, October 22, 2007
College Days...
So here we go............i have seen Happy Days yesterday..........went back to my college days and wanted to pen them down in my blog..............as everybody else i wish my blogs to be very articulative..............but then i want this to be completely me.................hence bare with my vocabulary and grammar.
First day i go to college, i was all pumped up with lots of expectation of meeting new people, stepping into the real world, thoughts of meeting beautiful girls and etc etc......
Is this how every boy steps into a Engg college? I believe its true for most of them.
I believe thats the best part of life, expectation of having something special in there for us.
I knew my life is changing now, not sure in which direction though. I got a feeling of being "Independent" which means so much to me. May be more than my life, trust me thats one of my prized possessions and i can never let that slip away.
Now i see new people around me, completely new characters to what i have seen so far, a different world all together if i may say so. I was in search of company, how do you pick your friends? do we actually make that decision? I doubt it.
I think we behave ourselves, we like a few and few like us then a comfort level is established. Over a period of time this turns into friendship.
I have got a group to go around share my feelings and thoughts with. Then you start looking for a girl to share some thoughts which can be shared only with a girl close to your heart. When you find a girl like that, then hormones kick in and you start to give it a name "LOVE". Is it right to call this love? this opens the Pandora box again so i am not gonna talk anything abt this.
It took 4yrs for all this to happen, these 4yrs taught me so many lessons in life. I may not have learned much in technical terms, but best part is i realized that i am not a technical person. For me world is full of opportunities, its me who is gonna make the choices. Now life is so simple for me doing what i want to.
As i always say "its about enjoying the process of doing something than results".
Thats the shortest way i can say about my college days. I wanted to keep it short so i never mentioned any names or incidents in them. It was all about the journey.
Happy Days.......... this movie has spurred me to write this blog. So i want to talk a little abt this movie as well.
Although i like the other 2 movies of sekhar kammula more than this. I was in love with a character in this movie called MADHU. I am not talking abt the heroine here she is pretty but the character she played was so beautiful.
Well my first blog is Nostalgic and a bit confusing may be.
Welcome to my world :-)
Montoyaa
signing off
First day i go to college, i was all pumped up with lots of expectation of meeting new people, stepping into the real world, thoughts of meeting beautiful girls and etc etc......
Is this how every boy steps into a Engg college? I believe its true for most of them.
I believe thats the best part of life, expectation of having something special in there for us.
I knew my life is changing now, not sure in which direction though. I got a feeling of being "Independent" which means so much to me. May be more than my life, trust me thats one of my prized possessions and i can never let that slip away.
Now i see new people around me, completely new characters to what i have seen so far, a different world all together if i may say so. I was in search of company, how do you pick your friends? do we actually make that decision? I doubt it.
I think we behave ourselves, we like a few and few like us then a comfort level is established. Over a period of time this turns into friendship.
I have got a group to go around share my feelings and thoughts with. Then you start looking for a girl to share some thoughts which can be shared only with a girl close to your heart. When you find a girl like that, then hormones kick in and you start to give it a name "LOVE". Is it right to call this love? this opens the Pandora box again so i am not gonna talk anything abt this.
It took 4yrs for all this to happen, these 4yrs taught me so many lessons in life. I may not have learned much in technical terms, but best part is i realized that i am not a technical person. For me world is full of opportunities, its me who is gonna make the choices. Now life is so simple for me doing what i want to.
As i always say "its about enjoying the process of doing something than results".
Thats the shortest way i can say about my college days. I wanted to keep it short so i never mentioned any names or incidents in them. It was all about the journey.
Happy Days.......... this movie has spurred me to write this blog. So i want to talk a little abt this movie as well.
Although i like the other 2 movies of sekhar kammula more than this. I was in love with a character in this movie called MADHU. I am not talking abt the heroine here she is pretty but the character she played was so beautiful.
Well my first blog is Nostalgic and a bit confusing may be.
Welcome to my world :-)
Montoyaa
signing off
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)